Besides the general definition of Crohns Disease which I’ve gone on about and had to describe a billion and one times before I thought I’d make a more cheery (dunno if cheery is the right word but nonetheless its better than putting f*cked up) list of things to expect when you’ve been diagnosed with Crohns or Colitis.
For those who don’t know though here is a quick summary. Crohns disease is an inflammatory bowel disease which causes inflammation anywhere along the gastrointestinal tract – from the mouth to the arse hole, so pretty much anywhere, as well as creating numerous other conditions that can come and go throughout time like anaemia, arthritis, fatigue, etc. Crohn’s is most known for being a “bad stomach ache” which is completely wrong and if you do think that you’re probably one of the idiots that think man flu exists or that Queen Elizabeth is a reptile, so (politely) fuck off.
But anyway, here is my list of things you’ll most likely encounter/have (and probably wont admit to) when suffering with IBD:
1. The most obvious being you shit yourself A LOT.
2. You’ll have done a grand tour of your country’s hospitals, testing each out like a celeb and mentally composing your trip advisor review.
3. Getting drunk is fucking awesome because not only can you be a lightweight, forget all about how you hate your life or be the first to vomit at a party but you can get rid of your constipation by doing a huge vodka shit.
4. Be a twenty year old grandma with arms and legs that don’t bend.
5. Be wheeled everywhere in a wheelchair when you have a bad flare up and experience what pure luxury is watching someone else suffer pushing you up a hill whilst you chill.
6. Have a seriously wide knowledge of toilet comforts. (Still waiting for Victoria Plum to respond to my product tester application)
7. Mastered doing a boss winged eyeliner whilst having an explosive shit.
8. Not give a fuck about contraception because getting pregnant is FUCKING HARD. (Disclaimer: I’m joking kids, you should always be protected…Alex if you’re reading this, you should just avoid sex altogether.)
9. Farts probably aren’t just farts but it’s cool cause you wear three pair of granny pants out anyway.
10. MI5 could hire you for your fast and sly (running to the toilet) exits and skills at convincingly blaming other people for your vile smells.
11. Prepared with extra coverage foundation for when your face flares and looks like a baboons behind.
12. Sleep all day everyday.
13. Having stuff shoved up your arse is just the norm and not a wild Friday night.
14. Your pet will love you more because you can’t go to work and have to stay with them 24/7.
15. You have so many pills to take you don’t need breakfast cause they’re practically like a meal.
16. You’ll probably be a mentally fucked up psycho with no filter and zero fucks given to embarrassing situations but you’re a boss and will slay whatever circumstance life throws at you.
*Disclaimer –  these are meant in jest with no harm or offence meant to anyone suffering with or sharing particular similarities to those mentioned in this article.  I do not own the ‘don’t be like the rest of them darling’ photo, credit goes to Etsystatic.