Category: Pregnancy

Ngl, Pregnancy kinda sucks!?

I know its been quite the while since I last posted and promised to be more attentive with the blog but I’ve been fairly busy with my head in a sick bowl.

Whoever said pregnancy is supposed to be the loveliest 9 months of your life was clearly a joker and my previous two pregnancies had me fooled. Now i know the whole concept of pregnancy is so wonderful, a life is growing (extremely slowly and painfully) inside you and your life and body is changing for the better and all that bullshit but to be quite honest, its actually pretty shit isn’t it?

For starters, my handbag has now been emptied of expensive perfume, light coverage makeup for touch ups and all things girly that are assumed to be hiding around in there. Instead I have jars of vitamins, some granny looking headache stick so I don’t go blind from these ‘pregnancy migraines’, foundation thick enough to disguise my appearance completely, and copious amounts of ugly panty liners, cause someones gotta say it, girls the amount of random shit that’s coming out of your vagina is not pre-warned or talked about! Okay you don’t get a period, but you piss yourself every day for  6 months straight if someone makes a joke and lets not discuss the latter. All i’m saying is no period for 9 months is no cause for the sexy thongs, you want those granny pants more than ever!

Every week I get a notification saying what week in my pregnancy I am in and how big the baby is now, which okay is cute, but instead of telling me my baby is now the size of some exotic vegetable ill never eat, how about telling me that at this week my boobs are gonna explode into mismatched bag of potatoes and ill be freeing the nipple for the next 4 months because no bras fit?

You’ll be blooming soon everyone keeps saying, but im struggling to understand how one can bloom without starting the day with a strong coffee or being allowed to devour a whole camembert for lunch?

‘Your skin may start changing now’ the midwife told me at our last appointment to which I was eagerly awaiting the morning I looked in the mirror to discover I was no longer a reincarnated Michael Jackson and my skin was glowing and full of colour. What I seem to have developed instead, is a reptilian trait of shedding my skin every day, my face is literally peeling faster than the snakes that live in the corner of my dressing room. Also, to add to the long list of nice things us pregnant women can’t have, we add hair dye. I was quite happily continuing my façade of being a natural light blonde and ignoring the fact that my hair had turned into a grey brownish colour by keeping up with my roots every few months. The confusion when people tried to work out whether it was my hair or my eyebrows that were the real deal was a much preferred first world problem (both are fake incase you hadn’t worked that out) because now im walking around with proper ‘council house’ hair, it’s a good job its winter because im living in hats so no one knows my true identity. The best thing about us moving to burton is the fact that I am 95% anonymous and I don’t have to bump into anyone I know for them to offer me some change and directions to the nearest St Basils.

We are nearing the midway point of my pregnancy and with that comes the gender reveal, probably the most exciting milestone in the pregnancy and everyone keeps asking me whether I will be finding out. To which the answer is of course I am, I’m not a philistine. I will be spending the rest of my pregnancy hoarding every single gender related item I can, so yes, I will be finding out the sex, (If the second child is a different gender they’ll just have to lump it cause everyone knows you go all out for the first and the second gets the leftovers). However, finding out the gender isn’t all that simple either, especially when your baby thinks your womb is some sort of Guantanamo bay and must escape any detection. It’s hard to tell whether I am feeling them moving, despite the fact the midwife informs me they are constantly wriggling away when she tries to use the doppler, because im not too sure what im expecting to feel? Having Crohns, I have a load of weird feelings inside my body like a Chest-Burster is gonna be born any day (Dropping in Alien references so John shuts the F*&k up) and so its hard to tell what is the baby moving and was is just a fart building up. We have tried many different techniques to try to get the baby to do a 180 just so we can tell the difference between constipation and a baby kick. At around 16 weeks your baby can detect light and will turn away from it, so we have been using our phone torches as some sort of siege to terrorise our child to ‘come out with its hands up.’ (Not literally come out I mean like show yourself, im already having a heart attack thinking about childbirth and ive still got 4 months left).

Finally, its not a secret that with pregnancy comes a whirlwind of hormones, whether it changes physical attributes or your mental state it is important to report any changes to your dr or midwife. But im not sure my midwife was expecting to have such a paranoid pregnant woman on her, when she said you can text me at any time I don’t think she was expecting me to be like a bad smell and be texting her like ‘I’ve had diarrhoea and three farts in one go, is this normal? Is the baby still alive!? Have i gassed them!?’ ‘I’ve got hair growing in weird places, is this normal!?’ ‘I can’t stop eating olives, does this mean my baby will have good skin?’ ‘I rolled onto my back for like 10 seconds, have I killed my child!?” “Can you tell me if it’s a boy or a girl based on my symptoms? Go on! Just give me a guess?!’ Needless to say I bet she is looking forward to me having this baby more than I am. John has gone into a vegetative state of nodding with glazed eyes and saying ‘Yes, everything’s fine, here have some Mcnuggets” (HINT HINT. MCDONALDS SPONSER MY POSTS!)  to shut me up when I’m having a 2007 Britney meltdown.

As usual, I will end the post with a little positive disclaimer, because if you hadn’t already gathered I have a dry sense of humour but some people still seem to think im deadly serious in my posts. Obviously, there are negatives and positives to all pregnancies and I am thoroughly enjoying the experience of becoming a mother and can’t wait for the baby to come despite any nasty symptoms. There are also a hundred different things going on and I cant fit them all into a readable blog post.

*Featured photo designed and shot by Hayley Leaver Photography, click here to see more of her stuff.

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We have an announcement…

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Yep! You see it correctly, its not a food baby nor is it an ultrasound of all the poo on my stomach (usually is). It is a fully beating heart, two arms and two legs kicking around and a face full of mine and john’s features. It comes with much anticipation, a hell of a lot of paranoia and a sea full of tears that I can finally announce we are expecting our first child! I have vomited my way through the first trimester and still with much worry we can actually take a breath of relief and tell the world I am expecting again!

Now everyone keeps telling me that you blossom throughout pregnancy, that your hair and skin glows and you feel amazing. Well I can tell you that the person who said that is a f**king liar. I have been sick for 12 weeks straight, managing only jelly and ginger biscuits until I finally thought f*ck it, its coming back up,  may aswell enjoy it as it goes down and started eating normal meals and accepting the fate of seeing it again in half an hours time. Also have come to discover that despite surgery I still manage 20180109_192946to choke on a bloody regurgitated chip and experience explosive diarrhoea at the same time so that’s been joyful…

At 6 weeks we had another scare, I self referred myself to the EPU and in true Alison Dawson fashion, demanded I be seen and have a scan. They gave me a scan on the following Tuesday which showed a beating heart, although we were relieved, it had only been 12 months prior we had seen the same thing and so we were still very stressed. My scan showed a bleeding on my womb and once again went home in tears expecting the worst to follow in a few weeks time.

But no further blood came, I continued being sick and developed superhuman sense of smell. I felt like daredevil, (despite the main feature of being blind haha, although I have got horrific eyesight and cant see without my glasses so just go with it) walking around able to smell every single thing someone had eaten that day or pick out ingredients in a meal like the mouse from ratatouille. But as great as it sounds, trying to do the food shop when you can smell the milk from the back of the supermarket and the shit in a babies nappy three aisles off did nothing for my sickness. So we booked a private scan with the recommendation from a friend to find out exactly how everything was progressing.

The place we went to was peek-a-baby and they were great, we were so nervous seen as the last scan showed a bleed and just hoped for the best. But the minute she put the probe thing (whatever its called) on my stomach we saw a big dark sac with a moving 20180109_191501baby inside. Our baby was kicking furiously and their heart was beating rapidly, I couldn’t even take my eyes away from the screen to look at john cause I just wanted to watch every second but I think I fractured his fingers from squeezing it.

We have since had another scan to confirm that everything is okay, and our baby is developing great, kicking and moving around and continuing to make me feel like i’ve been run down by a dustbin lorry.

I don’t want to go into a major long pregnancy post as ill have many of them coming up I’m sure, but with great excitement I announce Baby Bathgate, due July 2018.

Weekly Ramble #1

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Although i have no idea how this blog post is going to turn out i’m just going to write and see what words follow, there is no purpose to this whatsoever it’s just been so long since i had written a post i felt like if i didn’t it’s one more thing i’ve been too lazy to do. Besides, i’ve got john’s mac and it makes me feel much more sophisticated and fit the persona of a ‘writer’ when i get to use it.

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Nothing much has changed in the past few weeks, still house hunting and although we’ve found one that’s perfect we are having issues with the legal side of things and so i think we’re going to have to let that one go. Why is buying a house so complicated and img_20170122_095829_683expensive? Especially when we find one that’s just right and some other dickhead turns up with more money and decides to steal it, like bitch i’d already planned my colour scheme for the bedroom. So besides failing at buying a house and being too poor to afford to go out i’m sat with the dogs with ear plugs in like an old woman as the rain falls (EXTREMELY LOUD) onto the conservatory roof – which is my bedroom – wishing i’d just stayed in kings heath. But it’s not all bad because although i enjoy my own company i like the fact that i img_20170128_123234_406don’t have to sit on my own everyday and when my sister is off i have an excuse to watch shit tv shows i’m too proud to admit i secretly like, so when john comes home and thinks wtf i can blame my poor tv choices on her and it’s easily plausible. As a 21 yr old who’s planning on buying a home and having a kid i can’t be publicly seen watching ‘Victorious’ and singing along to the songs, declaring my love for Ariana Grande.

img_20170127_134523_692However, on another note, if Luna wasn’t bad enough when she was in season, constantly humping everything and costing us hundreds of pounds, i am now left to practically babysit the other one, margo, as she wipes her giant bloody bits all over my bedcovers. Not gonna lie it’s bigger than her head, imagine a baboons arse been dragged over your pillow and brand new slippers? Yeah that’s what i’m dealing with because my bedroom is downstairs and mom hasn’t taught her boundaries (unlike my perfect luna of course…ha..ha…ha.. Shes staring at me demonically now i feel like one of those people in horror films where there is a demon inside the dog 20170128_132119that controls their every move when people aren’t looking – if you haven’t watched those films seriously watch them they are shitily great).

On the pregnancy front, i genuinely have no idea, i’m still waiting for my body to return to normal but i don’t think it even knows what’s normal itself now. I had my follow up appointment with a gynaecologist as the midwives were querying a bicornuate uterus and septum which would basically be the reason for my two miscarriages. But the scan showed no septum and only a slight bicornuate womb meaning, i have a heart shaped womb instead of a completely rounded one, which could cause some difficulty when the placenta attaches itself but it wouldn’t be the main reason img_20170120_095830_364why i cannot seem to get to 12 weeks. I have an appointment at a recurrent miscarriage clinic which will hopefully enlighten us as to possible reasons although i’m pretty sure i’m going to hear “nobody knows why this happens but it’s fairly common and most people have miscarriages without even realising,”  i practically hear that sentence in my dreams, so many people have said it to me. My GP does seem to think that it is linked to my crohns and the immunosuppressants i am on as a result of 20170121191533the crohns though, so we have a long way to go and i think my dream of actually being able to hold my baby before christmas 2017 is slowly becoming less realistic, all i keep telling myself is that when it finally happens and i get to see and hold my baby for the first time i’ll know that this hardship will all be worth it.

It’s now half 2 in the afternoon and i’m seriously considering taking a nap, i cannot even hear the program i’m trying to watch over the rain and Luna keeps trying to eat my gingerbread house i’m pretty confident is stale now, so imma go. Sorry if i bored you to death throughout this post, it’s more like a ramble of thoughts as i sit contemplating why i am not rich and living the life of luxury or why i 20170115_170818can’t get a huge toned ass and slim body whilst just sleeping and eating mac n cheese (which i really wish you could do at the same time).

Have a good week everybody!

Chloe xxx

 

P.s I dunno what i’m gonna title this post and considering i have nothing interesting going on atm my following posts are probably going to be just a stream of consciousness like this one so i may aswell be pretentious about it and call it a ‘series’ so it sounds purposeful, so here we are the first installment of the ‘Weekly Ramble’.

Also the pictures have no correlation to the text they are just a bunch of photos from this week. You can find more here.

To read my last blog post click here.

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Goodbye 2016, Goodbye Baby Bathgate’s

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It has taken me far too long to write a blog post and although i’m already a week late in the ‘New Year’ posts i’ve decided to combine the most important event that has happened in 2016 with my new year aspirations.

I know as soon as January hits all the ‘New Year New Me’ posts come along but this isn’t going to be about me changing anything or having New year’s resolutions. Yes this year i have put on weight and have gone from a size 6 midget to a slightly more ‘beefy’ let’s say, midget and i obviously would prefer to be “skinny” again but i’m not going to go on a diet, i’m not going to do more exercise and i’m not really gonna give a shit. I’m also not going to make any self improvements, i’m not going to be more generous or start doing ‘more good deeds,’ i’m not going to work harder to find a better paying but health comprising job and I’M NOT GOING TO START GOING TO THE GYM.

With all that said, what i am going to be is a Mother. This might not happen for me in 2017 because life is cruel sometimes and 2016 has proved that. But those of you who are lucky enough to have my moaning ass on you when times get shit, will know that In July 2016 myself and my partner, John decided to start a family. This was a serious decision we made based on medical professionals’ opinions, because of my Crohns i am already at a loss on the fertility front and in the near future i am likely to have surgery which can very much change my life for the better, it will give me around 5 years to be able to achieve what it is i want, after that is unknown. Things could get worse for me and the doctor has advised that it is very much 50/50 as to whether i will be able to have children at all. (To those of you who have Crohns and are panicking reading this don’t worry there are other factors that have contributed to that diagnosis, everyone is different, it doesn’t mean it would be the same for you) I thought about what it was i wanted to achieve by then, i will be a qualified Forensic Psychologist by then (hopefully), I will be 26, i will have a house, I will probably have more dogs (lets be honest) and hopefully be able to get a well paying job without having to worry about my health. But after i have achieved a career and a life for my independent self i might not be able to have the one thing that i want the most, a family? So with that i decided, i won’t waste my time focussing on myself gaining a career or becoming financially independent, hell i can do that when i’m 50 if i wanted to. Now i know i am young and ‘i have my whole life ahead of me’ i should ‘go and explore the world’ and my ‘life will be ruined by having children too young’ well fuck you, my ambition is to have children and to be the best mother i can be, whatever age or maturity anyone else thinks i might be/should. If i can be half the mother my own mom is then i have achieved everything i need to, i would be damn proud of myself. Of course i am lucky enough to have a partner who can support me in every aspect, and he is my absolute rock in life, (sorry john i know that was a bit cringey).

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Anyway….in August i became pregnant, we were so amazed how it happened so quickly and i still remember the puzzled face john pulled when we couldn’t figure out what the result was as i sat with my pants round my ankles. Now they say pregnancy tests are easily readable, i can tell you they are not, there’s two lines but then there’s one line and half another and a faint one and oh my god i may aswell just buy my own do it yourself blood test kit for the amount of time it took. But four pregnancy tests later (after i had a right go at john for being a tight arse and getting the first one from bloody poundland) we were definitely pregnant. It quite literally was a miracle, with all the ups and the downs we faced throughout the year it finally gave us something solid to look forward to. I mean, having Luna was like having a toddler anyway except she looks you dead in the eyes as she shits on your laptop when you decide to give her cheap lidl dog food instead of Harringtons, spoilt bitch. We told close family and weren’t going to announce the pregnancy publicly until 12 weeks when we had passed the safe period. I had my VERY SOBER 21st Birthday (how depressing) and even though i couldn’t get pissed as my sister turned 18, couldn’t go on the Go-Karts in Devon, had to sit in the hot tub only when the bubbles were off and couldn’t eat F**king Shellfish at the most amazing seafood place, i didn’t mind because it would all be worth it. However, only 7 weeks in we lost them, i know it’s controversial as to who believes it is a baby at nearly 2 months, and people who may not have had a miscarriage might think that because it had only been 2 months it wasn’t a loss, well to me that unborn baby that was growing inside of me was now my life, my purpose, and losing them hurt more than i could ever realise. Sadly they had not grown past 4 weeks and took another month for my body to reject them, i had had bad pain following the bleeding and eventually over time we moved on.

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The Doctors had said that we could try again as soon as we wanted to and so not to go into my sex life i’ll just say the following month we fell pregnant again. By this time we had already packed up our house in Kings Heath and were ready to move into mom and dad’s in order to save for our own home. The news, despite the worry, was again overwhelmingly great, i had a purpose again. It might not make sense to you but as cringey and cliche as it sounds being pregnant really did give me purpose, i now have something to live for, to look after myself for. The days that are empty waiting for John to come home from work now had a meaning to them, it was to bring this baby into the world healthy and happy, give them everything they wanted and it was all my job to do that. Mornings of waking up and being ill, having overwhelming fatigue and sat in my favourite position (horizontal) watching come dine with me were over because i had something to do, to look forward to and to work hard for, my child. I don’t quite know how i can explain the feeling of having a

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Things that happened the Year you were conceived.

 

 

 

purpose and the joy of it, it just kinda sounds a bit stupid to say it aloud tbh. I guess it would be like an aspiring doctor to finally be given a chance at shadowing a professional or passing their important exam, the relief of knowing this is what you want to live for. But enough of the cringiness… we were alot more terrified with this pregnancy because of the previous and every single twinge or movement sent me into over-thinking paranoid mode. We had visited the hospital countless times to check everything was okay and early December we saw our baby’s heart beating! We cried with relief (wasn’t all picture perfect because i still had the bloody probe inside me with the midwife hanging onto it trying to keep it steady) and the nurse told us that once a heartbeat has been seen the risks of anything happening are extremely low. The following week we were back, and img_20170106_125015_193we saw our little bambino again, slightly bigger this time and their heart beating rapidly. We were now reassured that nothing was going to happen because we had seen the heartbeating fine more than once, the baby was the right size and we were coming up to the final few weeks of the first trimester, along with more reassurance from the midwives, so on Christmas eve we told our close family again. Another holiday stone cold f**king sober as everyone played speak out pissed, had the standard christmas family argument, ate a shit load of food and opened presents. Because i am quite a small person and i wear relatively tight clothing i was beginning to faintly show a little bump at 8 weeks, but the majority of people would’ve just presumed i’d eaten too many mince pies. “The bump” A.K.A John, had bought me a present, a parenthood listography book which is the most amazing book to keep a track of your prenatal and postnatal experiences and thoughts, it is both hilarious but sweet and on boxing day we filled (the bits that we could)

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The Top Two Names For Baby Bathgate

 

 

in. We went to Darlington a few days later where we took John’s nephews out to ‘Macca Pacca stones’ (im guessing imma have to brush up on who the hell Macca Pacca is sooner or later) and we proved just how hilariously irresponsible we are as parents as the eldest, 3, went straight through the ice and into the frozen cold lake, followed by john who fell in after him. On the plus side, they had fun and we have learnt just how tediously boring Paw patrol is and how to put a nappy on properly! So a success i’d say.

 

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Jaiden wanted to find out the probability of Baby Bathgate having Blue Eyes

But imma cut to the chase because this post is getting pretty long, sadly, on the day after we came home we went for another scan to check on Baby Bathgate who we had now decided on names (I know we were getting ahead of ourselves but i like to be very organised and quite honestly was just so excited that i just wished everything went quicker). We went in apprehensive but excited and left heartbroken and devastated, our baby’s heart had stopped beating. We were so close to being safe but it wasn’t close enough, like i’d said before ‘i thought lightning wasn’t supposed to strike the same place twice’ but it had, and this time it felt even worse.I can honestly say i have never worked hard for something, not truly. Whilst most people say “omg i tried so hard and it almost killed me to pass uni” i cannot say i have tried overly hard at something, i’ve done the best i have been able to but i’ve never had the passion to go further.

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What i want to achieve as a parent

 

 

But although i’m not religious, nor am i very philosophical or believe in fate and destiny, i think to myself now that the reason i havent pushed myself harder for anything is because i lacked the want to have it, untill now. I am working hard to become a mom, i am facing the worst hardships possible and it is almost breaking me but it is because it is what i want most in this world, to be a happy parent with a happy healthy family. This is me working hard for something i long, you don’t get what you want without the struggle or the downs that accompany it, so i will get over this loss, i will heal and move on and although i cannot do anything now or for a few months (currently undergoing medical tests) by the end of 2017 i WILL be an expectant mother if not already one.

Chloe xxx

*This is dedicated to both little Bambino’s, although you weren’t yet something, i will never forget and always love you.

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