Tag: humour

Things no one told me about pregnancy

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I’m 33 weeks pregnant exactly today and feel particularly agitated. To make things worse I haven’t had a pizza in two weeks because my ovens broken and i’ve just had an encounter with the post lady, i.e. Satan in a fluorescent jacket and the inability to close a gate. So I thought i’d channel my aggravation into a ranting little list of things I wish I had known about pregnancy.

*Disclaimer – This isn’t proven, this is my opinion from my experience. Everyone’s experiences are different.

The blooming period doesn’t exist.

No matter how many weeks you are, its lies, its all lies. For the whole three trimesters you will feel like a sack of potatoes with greasy hair and a pale complexion.

Hair Growth

People told me that I could expect a stunted body hair growth. Again, lies. My leg hair resembles that of a yeti and grows at an alarming rate, I also have a VERY hairy stomach and lets not even mention how fast the forest down there is multiplying. But, on the plus side the hair on my head is growing faster than I can book a hairdresser appointment!

Everyone thinks you’re disabled

As much as I appreciate being offered everything without having to move and the luxury of always claiming a seat even if i’m the youngest in the room (and therefore are normally downgraded to the floor). I’ve had an irritating amount of strangers using the phrase ‘in your state’ like i’m a disabled heroine addict who needs professional health.

Everything Itches

Speaks for itself. Itching. Constantly. Everywhere.

You could’ve potentially been an alcoholic

Before pregnancy I had not appreciated the sweet sweet taste of a strawberry daquiri quite like the way I’m glamorising it now in my head. The inexplicable need to just drink a pint of cider or even a shot of sambuca (my worst nightmare) is overwhelming and now im questioning whether before pregnancy I really was a functioning alcoholic? Also why does EVERYONE drink? It’s just pure cruelty to drink a G&T around me and if you value our friendship you better turn up with a drink at the delivery suite.

Your Partner is actually really annoying…

This one is in jest because I obviously dunno what i’d do without john but seriously, one more night of snoring and I swear to god I will go Freddie Kruger on you. With the spike in all the hormones all the annoying habits I have overlooked seem to have suddenly hit me, like, why you gotta use all the utensils and all the saucepans when cooking? Why do you fall asleep before me? What the fuck is that weird twitchy thing you do when you fall asleep? Just stop. Why does the football being on mean you need some beer? Why you drinking the vodka I got for my birthday when I am clearly saving it for a binging session after the birth of OUR child? Why do you go to work to early and come home so late, I need attention? Why cant you be at work longer, I need my space!? Why don’t you discourage my excessive eating? Do you want me to get fat? Why do you put your dirty laundry next to the basket and not in the basket? Why do you burp so loud? Why do you need the tv so loud? Why is everything you do the volume of an earthquake? Aww, you have a cold? IVE BEEN GROWING A CHILD FOR 8 MONTHS! I’m gonna stop before this ends in an argument…

Sleepless nights

For some reason i’ve developed the inability to sleep through the night. One minute im fast asleep dreaming of Tom Hardy and the next i’m wide awake wondering why I suddenly need to do some DIY. (Despite John’s horrific snoring which also wakes me up).

Every conversation turns into being about your baby

I don’t know why but I find myself physically unable to not mention my pregnancy or my baby when having a conversation. We could be having a discussion about onions and id still managed to link it to having a baby. So i’m sorry for everyone who has had to endure me.

Why cheese though?

I could just about live with having to give up patê on my toast, even not being able to have a runny egg or smoked salmon. But I absolutely draw the line at cheese. If I’d have known I had to give up camembert or brie, I would’ve opted out. That’s a deal breaker.

Isolation

Having a baby can be an isolating experience, especially when you’re the first out of your friends to be expecting. You find your whole paradigm shifts and it means accepting your social groups will change aswell as your whole lifestyle, you’re suddenly really busy and don’t have a lot of time for social interactions. But it is important to (at least virtually) surround yourself with understanding friends and likeminded people. If it means letting go of old friendships who just don’t get the place you’re at in life, so be it. There is a whole new world of similar people you are likely to meet when baby arrives.

Sex

Sex is great. Better in pregnancy. The only benefit of pregnancy that makes it worth it (besides getting a child at the end obvs).

The ‘Morning’ Sickness

Everyone knows one of the most common tell tale signs of pregnancy is morning sickness. They didn’t tell you however that ‘morning’ sickness is actually ‘every hour of every day for 40 weeks’ sickness.

The use of the phrase ‘You’re gonna need it’

As lovely as your concern for how I will cope post pregnancy is, I HATE it when you only have to mention being tired and EVERYONE says ‘Get the sleep in now, you’re gonna need it and you’ll miss it when baby arrives’ Yes Barbara, I know I will be sleep deprived. I’m sleep deprived now despite sleeping 15 hours a day and I am fully aware it’ll get worse, you don’t need to remind me.

Why is everything so expensive!?

I’ve always thought that me and john live fairly comfortably, we are by no means rolling in it but we certainly aren’t eating 15p spaghetti hoops out the can. However, brand new baby products and all the necessary (or just preferred) bits and bobs is quite eye opening, ive considered taking out a mortgage on furniture for the baby’s room its so expensive and there’s just SO MUCH. I’d assumed things like cot sheets would y’know be a tenner or something but no, £50 on a couple of sheets for a cot!? Then just when you think you’ve bagged a bargain cot you’ve got to get the mattress which is another couple hundred, then the bumper and god forbid I want a mobile. Baby product design is where the moneys at kids.

Ignore everyone else

Following from the previous statement, yes baby shit is fucking expensive. But if you want it for your baby, you get it. I absolutely love getting advice and recommendations because its my first time and im a little clueless, but one thing I really dislike is people judging me on my purchases or passing judgement on them. If I want to buy something, whether it gets used or not, I obviously wanted it. So many people see what ive bought and be like ‘That’s such a waste of money’ or ‘You know you wont even use that’ and ‘I had one of those, never used it, you should take it back.’ While I appreciate the advice, it’s my first baby and so i’m going to spoil her, and i’m also going to spoil myself by buying all the unnecessary products for my child. Part of being an excitable expectant parent is buying all the crazy baby shit, whether its necessary or not. So, if you can afford it and you want it, who cares what other people think? Secondly, everyone has something to say about EVERYTHING. Yes im a clueless first time mom but I will figure it out by myself and with advice and support from those I see fit, I don’t need lecturing on what I should be doing or interfering strangers telling me i’m doing something wrong. I’ll parent the way I want to and the way it happens. Before the baby has even arrived people are giving me rules and lectures on how to bring up my child, and honestly, i’m gonna do it how I want to and how I think is best, whatever you say.

Tiredness

Despite the fact that I cant sleep properly or for a good uninterrupted period of time I am tired ALL OF THE TIME. Literally could wake up from a 5 hour nap and then need to sleep again straight away. Imagine being asleep and dreaming of being tired and needing to sleep. THAT.

You haven’t treated yourself in ages

One change that I actually enjoy is the fact that everytime I go shopping, I no longer even bother going to the women’s, its straight to the baby section and every purchase is now for said baby. I see everyone’s insta stories of their brand new summer dresses and designer handbags and have come to the realisation I haven’t shopped for myself in a long time, infact the only bags I own are underneath my eyes.

Maternity fashion is ugly

When I do try to shop for myself unless I go to a supermarket’s fashion section or a department store, nowhere seems to have a maternity section in store. When I do finally find a maternity section it is all the same. It is all stereotypical ‘pregnant-middle-aged-woman.’ Gone are the skinny ripped jeans, gone are the cute slogan tees, gone are the summer two pieces with matching accessories. Instead you can have stripes. If you don’t want to wear stripes you can opt for the second option of misshapen plain Tshirts, failing that your only other option is…more stripes, perhaps a different colour stripe? how about a vertical stripe instead of horizontal? Basically for 9 months you can wear stripes.

Becoming public property

Since the development of a bump (not that im complaining) but personal space seems to have been eradicated. Everyone, without asking, seems to want to touch my stomach. It’s become a kind of greeting, they shake John’s hand and then magnetise their palms onto my tummy. Secondly, every medical staff has now seen every angle of every part of my body possible and so I may aswell just be a public art expedition. If you’re shy, being pregnant isn’t gonna be a fun time for you, every inch of you will be exposed, even parts you’ve never seen yourself. One of the scans I went to the sonographer rested her hand on my thigh whilst probing me with an internal ultrasound and I have to admit for a second I thought I could’ve been in fake hospital but y’know, 8 months down the line, its pretty standard.

9 months is an eternity!

I swear to god ive been pregnant for years, I can’t even remember a time I wasn’t pregnant now, it goes sooooo sloooowwwwlyyyyy.

Where is my vagina?

Seriously, I haven’t been able to see my vagina in about a month, Ive forgotten what it looks like from my POV. The only way to try to tame myself was by propping up a light up mirror between my legs and go by touch, which was 100% more terrifying than any horror film ive ever seen.

Heartburn is literally Satan climbing up your throat

I’d had heartburn and indigestion before but I was not prepared for the trauma that is pregnancy heartburn. I’ve thankfully only experienced it a handful of times and I honestly think I need therapy to get over it. It is what I can only describe as a fire in my chest that was trying to creep out, and when it finally did (after hours) it was the most horrific vomit ive ever had, it was pure foaming acid. If I wasn’t used to weird occurances from my body, i’d have thought that I was about to spontaneously combust, my mouth was literally foaming. So if you can, stock up on Gaviscon or other pregnancy safe remedies.

You dribble like a baby

Never in my life have I dribbled in my sleep, but all of a sudden I wake up with a snail trail and a wet patch on my pillow. Apparently during pregnancy your body produces excess saliva, but I didn’t realise the amount i’d dribble would be enough to quench the thirst of Africa.

Weird leaks

One thing no one mentioned to me was the amount of discharge that comes out throughout pregnancy. Discharge is completely normal for most women but during pregnancy it is like double the issue, so make sure you’re stocked up on pantyliners! Same goes for wee. One minute you feel fine, the next baby has kicked your bladder and you’ve pissed yourself. It’s fine, its normal, don’t worry.

You have an alien growing inside you

One of the most magical feelings is feeling your baby wriggle around. Although it can be absolutely terrifying when their pattern changes or slows down it is incredible when you can relax. I’ve recently learnt to chill a bit when it comes to baby’s movements and just enjoy them when they come. I’m actually feeling and witnessing limbs moving across my stomach and at times you can feel bones and little feet through the skin. It makes you think how absolutely crazy it is that there is literally a human, with arms and legs and nails and hair inside your stomach. But they don’t half hurt sometimes when they are big enough to get under your ribs!

I could go on complaining but Come Dine With Me is on and recently its been my go to napping program.

Remember these are all in jest and everyone’s experience is different, i’m not a medical professional just a first time mom-to-be moaning and being angry hormonal.


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Ngl, Pregnancy kinda sucks!?

I know its been quite the while since I last posted and promised to be more attentive with the blog but I’ve been fairly busy with my head in a sick bowl.

Whoever said pregnancy is supposed to be the loveliest 9 months of your life was clearly a joker and my previous two pregnancies had me fooled. Now i know the whole concept of pregnancy is so wonderful, a life is growing (extremely slowly and painfully) inside you and your life and body is changing for the better and all that bullshit but to be quite honest, its actually pretty shit isn’t it?

For starters, my handbag has now been emptied of expensive perfume, light coverage makeup for touch ups and all things girly that are assumed to be hiding around in there. Instead I have jars of vitamins, some granny looking headache stick so I don’t go blind from these ‘pregnancy migraines’, foundation thick enough to disguise my appearance completely, and copious amounts of ugly panty liners, cause someones gotta say it, girls the amount of random shit that’s coming out of your vagina is not pre-warned or talked about! Okay you don’t get a period, but you piss yourself every day for  6 months straight if someone makes a joke and lets not discuss the latter. All i’m saying is no period for 9 months is no cause for the sexy thongs, you want those granny pants more than ever!

Every week I get a notification saying what week in my pregnancy I am in and how big the baby is now, which okay is cute, but instead of telling me my baby is now the size of some exotic vegetable ill never eat, how about telling me that at this week my boobs are gonna explode into mismatched bag of potatoes and ill be freeing the nipple for the next 4 months because no bras fit?

You’ll be blooming soon everyone keeps saying, but im struggling to understand how one can bloom without starting the day with a strong coffee or being allowed to devour a whole camembert for lunch?

‘Your skin may start changing now’ the midwife told me at our last appointment to which I was eagerly awaiting the morning I looked in the mirror to discover I was no longer a reincarnated Michael Jackson and my skin was glowing and full of colour. What I seem to have developed instead, is a reptilian trait of shedding my skin every day, my face is literally peeling faster than the snakes that live in the corner of my dressing room. Also, to add to the long list of nice things us pregnant women can’t have, we add hair dye. I was quite happily continuing my façade of being a natural light blonde and ignoring the fact that my hair had turned into a grey brownish colour by keeping up with my roots every few months. The confusion when people tried to work out whether it was my hair or my eyebrows that were the real deal was a much preferred first world problem (both are fake incase you hadn’t worked that out) because now im walking around with proper ‘council house’ hair, it’s a good job its winter because im living in hats so no one knows my true identity. The best thing about us moving to burton is the fact that I am 95% anonymous and I don’t have to bump into anyone I know for them to offer me some change and directions to the nearest St Basils.

We are nearing the midway point of my pregnancy and with that comes the gender reveal, probably the most exciting milestone in the pregnancy and everyone keeps asking me whether I will be finding out. To which the answer is of course I am, I’m not a philistine. I will be spending the rest of my pregnancy hoarding every single gender related item I can, so yes, I will be finding out the sex, (If the second child is a different gender they’ll just have to lump it cause everyone knows you go all out for the first and the second gets the leftovers). However, finding out the gender isn’t all that simple either, especially when your baby thinks your womb is some sort of Guantanamo bay and must escape any detection. It’s hard to tell whether I am feeling them moving, despite the fact the midwife informs me they are constantly wriggling away when she tries to use the doppler, because im not too sure what im expecting to feel? Having Crohns, I have a load of weird feelings inside my body like a Chest-Burster is gonna be born any day (Dropping in Alien references so John shuts the F*&k up) and so its hard to tell what is the baby moving and was is just a fart building up. We have tried many different techniques to try to get the baby to do a 180 just so we can tell the difference between constipation and a baby kick. At around 16 weeks your baby can detect light and will turn away from it, so we have been using our phone torches as some sort of siege to terrorise our child to ‘come out with its hands up.’ (Not literally come out I mean like show yourself, im already having a heart attack thinking about childbirth and ive still got 4 months left).

Finally, its not a secret that with pregnancy comes a whirlwind of hormones, whether it changes physical attributes or your mental state it is important to report any changes to your dr or midwife. But im not sure my midwife was expecting to have such a paranoid pregnant woman on her, when she said you can text me at any time I don’t think she was expecting me to be like a bad smell and be texting her like ‘I’ve had diarrhoea and three farts in one go, is this normal? Is the baby still alive!? Have i gassed them!?’ ‘I’ve got hair growing in weird places, is this normal!?’ ‘I can’t stop eating olives, does this mean my baby will have good skin?’ ‘I rolled onto my back for like 10 seconds, have I killed my child!?” “Can you tell me if it’s a boy or a girl based on my symptoms? Go on! Just give me a guess?!’ Needless to say I bet she is looking forward to me having this baby more than I am. John has gone into a vegetative state of nodding with glazed eyes and saying ‘Yes, everything’s fine, here have some Mcnuggets” (HINT HINT. MCDONALDS SPONSER MY POSTS!)  to shut me up when I’m having a 2007 Britney meltdown.

As usual, I will end the post with a little positive disclaimer, because if you hadn’t already gathered I have a dry sense of humour but some people still seem to think im deadly serious in my posts. Obviously, there are negatives and positives to all pregnancies and I am thoroughly enjoying the experience of becoming a mother and can’t wait for the baby to come despite any nasty symptoms. There are also a hundred different things going on and I cant fit them all into a readable blog post.

*Featured photo designed and shot by Hayley Leaver Photography, click here to see more of her stuff.

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I’m now on Vero  as Chloe Dawson!

 

22

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I’m not entirely sure what this post is gonna be about or even going to include but I thought I hadn’t written one in a while so imma try whack one out of these chubby little fingers of mine. As you know I turned 22, it was kind of unavoidable considering I’d plastered it all over social media and I’d promised John if he didn’t get the giant balloons so I can sing Taylor Swift ‘22’ and quote it in a cliché insta caption, then his life wouldn’t be worth living. But he pulled it off blaring it at 5am in the morning.

I spent my actual birthday doing the craziest, wildest shit ever, literally the best day of my life, I spent the morning…wait for it…completing a Sudoku. Not just any Sudoku, the extreme level Sudoku in the take a break mag. Really was a wild 22nd. But mom and dad did surprise me by coming to visit in the afternoon and we had cupcakes and did what civilised people do before I got to change into my ‘I don’t have to uphold a reputation and am free to ruin my life’ persona. My friends came over and we stuffed our faces with posh food, talked about politics and drank prosecco, like how 22 year old adults are supposed to act…(That’s adulting, right?) I’m joking I have the mental age of a 16 year old and go out with a man child so it was just like any other day, we were dicks that drank too much, broke the ‘No smoking we are sophisticated adults now’ ban, argued about Donald trump and slavery, cried about how old we are, wondered how the world began, joked about how we manage to hold down respectable careers, argued over who was paying the bill, bitched about our mutual enemies, smothered our dogs, laughed till we peed, shotted Raki till 6am and I shan’t go any further than that cause I’m sure you’d only love to know what Josie (professional accountant by day) gets up to by night…….

Turns out being 22 is the exact same as being 18 except you wake up with a horrible headache, next to the same man as the night before, a dog that’s pissed all over the floor and weep silently because you spent too much and can’t afford the mortgage. Oh, and a parking fine for parking outside your own house and being too fucked to drive it.

Same shit another year.
On the note of birthdays and friends I have a few blog posts coming up in the future (I’m lazy and they are all half-finished so imma say at least sometime before the year is up) about the lodge me and john spent my birthday week at and another one about “real friends” which is a little controversially honest to say the least, but until then, adios amigos.

xoxo

 

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16 Things you didn’t know about Crohns (18+)

Besides the general definition of Crohns Disease which I’ve gone on about and had to describe a billion and one times before I thought I’d make a more cheery (dunno if cheery is the right word but nonetheless its better than putting f*cked up) list of things to expect when you’ve been diagnosed with Crohns or Colitis.

For those who don’t know though here is a quick summary. Crohns disease is an inflammatory bowel disease which causes inflammation anywhere along the gastrointestinal tract – from the mouth to the arse hole, so pretty much anywhere, as well as creating numerous other conditions that can come and go throughout time like anaemia, arthritis, fatigue, etc. Crohn’s is most known for being a “bad stomach ache” which is completely wrong and if you do think that you’re probably one of the idiots that think man flu exists or that Queen Elizabeth is a reptile, so (politely) fuck off.

But anyway, here is my list of things you’ll most likely encounter/have (and probably wont admit to) when suffering with IBD:

 

1.       The most obvious being you shit yourself A LOT.

 

2.       You’ll have done a grand tour of your country’s hospitals, testing each out like a celeb and mentally composing your trip advisor review.

 

3.       Getting drunk is fucking awesome because not only can you be a lightweight, forget all about how you hate your life or be the first to vomit at a party but you can get rid of your constipation by doing a huge vodka shit.

 

4.       Be a twenty year old grandma with arms and legs that don’t bend.

5.       Be wheeled everywhere in a wheelchair when you have a bad flare up and experience what pure luxury is watching someone else suffer pushing you up a hill whilst you chill.

6.       Have a seriously wide knowledge of toilet comforts. (Still waiting for Victoria Plum to respond to my product tester application)

7.       Mastered doing a boss winged eyeliner whilst having an explosive shit.

8.       Not give a fuck about contraception because getting pregnant is FUCKING HARD. (Disclaimer: I’m joking kids, you should always be protected…Alex if you’re reading this, you should just avoid sex altogether.)

9.       Farts probably aren’t just farts but it’s cool cause you wear three pair of granny pants out anyway.

10.   MI5 could hire you for your fast and sly (running to the toilet) exits and skills at convincingly blaming other people for your vile smells.

11.   Prepared with extra coverage foundation for when your face flares and looks like a baboons behind.

12.   Sleep all day everyday.

13.   Having stuff shoved up your arse is just the norm and not a wild Friday night.

14.   Your pet will love you more because you can’t go to work and have to stay with them 24/7.

15.   You have so many pills to take you don’t need breakfast cause they’re practically like a meal.

16.   You’ll probably be a mentally fucked up psycho with no filter and zero fucks given to embarrassing situations but you’re a boss and will slay whatever circumstance life throws at you.

  dont be like the rest of them

 

 

*Disclaimer – [1] these are meant in jest with no harm or offence meant to anyone suffering with or sharing particular similarities to those mentioned in this article. [2] I do not own the ‘don’t be like the rest of them darling’ photo, credit goes to Etsystatic.